Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
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Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.