wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
🤣🤣🤣
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.