you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
This squirrel eats better than I do
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.