dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
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JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks