Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
You Might Also Like
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
cry laughing at this shit
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.