Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Good dog. ❤️
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”