So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Wait for it. (You won鈥檛 regret it).
I鈥檓 one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count馃槀
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I didn鈥檛 set my clocks back. I鈥檓 writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Yoga Matt
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I鈥檓 wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa鈥檚 got to work from home this year