Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
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No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything