My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
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saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Brilliant!
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.