[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
For anyone who needs this today
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*