Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
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I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I can fix him.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Don’t we all.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
This anagram machine is out of order.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again