Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
You Might Also Like
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.