smh
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I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah