Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
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Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Pizza is an emotion right?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.