Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
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I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?