this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
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Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Cheer up.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET