just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
#damn
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.