Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
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Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
ibopfufen
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar