Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
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Pringles
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor