The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
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Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
This will teach them to underestimate me
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
secret recipe
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then