8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.