what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store