When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
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DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.