I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
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Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that鈥檚 a last date. That鈥檚 how people get murdered.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My eye keeps twitching. I鈥檓 no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 馃檪
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Need this in my life lol
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That鈥檚 my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 馃槍馃檹
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it鈥檚 an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it鈥檚 a squirrel
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Apparently it鈥檚 “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.