imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
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Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Breaking news:
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
X-tra spooky blend
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.