Doctors texting each other.
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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.