The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas