I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
That’s no pocket rocket.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.