You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
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My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Hell yeah 👍
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy