Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
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SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
absolutely not