He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
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According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*