My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
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Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is