What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
You Might Also Like
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together