[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.