Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
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And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
There’s never enough good news
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”