My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
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My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Customize Your Wedding.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.