My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
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Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Going to church you guys need anything
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
that colleague who touches your screen
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.