Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Just this preview of the story is enough
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!