Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
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Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My boss called in sick of me
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Buck naked
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human