Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch