People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
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*frowns in Scottish*
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
lmao
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Selfie
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.