Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
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I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don鈥檛 get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I鈥檓 just getting out to see her get bit!
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn鈥檛 look a day over 40.
Me: I鈥檓 37.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
馃毑+physics = winner
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
So we got a goldfish…
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What鈥檚 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Human are so complicated
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it鈥檚 like oh no they called you in on your day off
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?