Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
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FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box