After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
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[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous