Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I wish I could veto my bills.
Nomnomnomnom
Chicken bread
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
and now we wait
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.