[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
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I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
not seeing the problem
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
What do you hear?
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”