a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
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Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself