I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
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Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.