Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.