People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
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When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I have a new favorite meme page
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work